— Lao Tzu (via purplebuddhaproject)
newaza-dan said: Keep at it. But also realize that guys who have been training longer will almost always have the edge on you. That doesn't mean you'll stay stuck, though.
Hey! Thanks for the message =) I’ve been feeling pretty good lately when I go to class. Most of the regular guys are back and I’ve been having fun with endurance class!
My school is doing an In-House tournament at the end of the month; I’m not entirely sure how it’ll work, I think all four locations will make a team and compete at the Westheimer location. I’m on the fence about it but I feel like I should do it. I guess I kind of have stage fright, so to speak. When I feel someone watching me during a roll or just doing the cardio kickboxing class, I get self-conscious and second guess myself. Especially during a roll, if I know a higher belt is watching me, it breaks my focus, and I wonder if I’m just doing everything wrong! Also, I haven’t met much people from the other locations, it’d be a good way to meet new training partners as well. I just need to get over this silly feeling..
Tonight was the first night in class where I felt like I wanted to just leave in the middle of class. It was endurance tonight and I was rolling with this one guy, pretty skinny, and pretty tall as well. He’s been here a little while, maybe 3 or 4 months. We got paired up and rolled. I got him in my guard, and he grabbed my collar. He straight-armed me so I can’t break his posture and he was a pretty good reach too. But the guy put his fist right over my throat, and straight-arm down onto my throat.
I coughed up. I was pissed. I wanted to fucking leave class, I didn’t want to do the anymore. I was so mad, and it stuck throughout the entire class. Here I am reminded of how much fucking weaker I am than all the rest of the guys in the goddamn class, and how much of a disadvantage I have because of my stature. I couldn’t finish any subs in other rolls, and couldn’t hold onto a position for long. I kept losing everything: lost the grip, lost the mount, lost the side control, lost the sub.
I fucking suck. I’ve been doing this 8 months, and I can’t do shit.